Wednesday, July 16, 2008

How To Talk To White People: Coldplay

From Stuff White People like:

White people who list Coldplay as their favorite band are what we will call “basic” level white. Chances are that they discovered the band a few years ago and have attended at least one concert. Their knowledge of music is very limited, and there is a 100 percent chance that they also like U2. If you need to befriend one of these people, just tell them that X&Y helped you get through a difficult breakup. They will understand.

If you mention the band to a white person and that white person rolls their eyes, you are likely dealing with a “standard” level white person. The way to know for sure is to say, “I consider the band to be a guilty pleasure.” A favorable reaction indicates that your white person is indeed standard level. For the most part, these people are either former fans (“I liked Parachutes when it came out”) or very reluctant fans (“Yeah, I guess ‘The Scientist’ is a good song”). Though they may appear more standoffish than basic level white people, they are far easier to manipulate once you know their secret...

Full Article

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Why Women Aren't Funny

Our penises have voted. Guys would rather have a hot girl then an interesting one. And women have obliged us by putting the books down and picking up the eyelash curlers.

Guys, when was the last time a girl you just met cracked you up? Long time ago? Never? I can think of about one or two. The question though is why?

Well I got a chance to do an experiment I've always wanted to do.

I became friends with a pretty hot chick a while back. We got to talking about Myspace, and I asked her about guys messaging her. She kinda blew it off and said only creeps tried to get with her. I kept pressing her about it and she said she'd let me see her page and inbox. What I saw shouldn't have shocked me, but it did.

She came off as so dry and uninteresting that if it weren't for her bikini pictures I don't think anyone would have hung around her page for more than three seconds. She's the type of girl that puts in her 'Heroes' section: Martin Luther King and Lauren Conrad. You know, crap like that. The type of girl that has in her 'Books' section: does Us Weekly count?

I cleaned up the entire page. Each section had a bit of funny added in. I threw up a few funny blogs, and a few stories of our adventures told from her perspective.

Well, things unfolded just as I thought. The guys went nuts. Absolutely went ape-shit over this girl. She said her mailbox always had messages waiting for her that she couldn't get to. I stood behind her and told her to respond to the ones that she liked. She would tell me what she wanted to say, and I would sprinkle a little personality on it (You'd be shocked at how bland our female friends can be).

I feel bad for the guys, since she really had no desire to meet anyone. She just wanted to see what would happen. I witnessed her turn down more dates than I've actually participated in. Eventually we had to close the account because she just couldn't take it anymore.

I always thought to myself that my humor was pretty decent. But I wondered what would happen if a hot girl had the same verbal chops as me? Obviously it's a mix that's too potent for mere mortals to handle.

So what should we get out of this little foray into contemporary social theory? First women aren't funny (sad but true). Second, they probably don't have to be. Why? Because us guys don't ask them to be. It's nice to have, but doesn't make much difference. Women look better than men. Yea I know you might think a woman sees it differently, but you're wrong. But that's because they actually care about how they look.

Our value comes from our personalities first, and looks second: and the complete opposite for the ladies.

One thing that backfired in the experiment was when the creepy guys fell even harder for her. Most guys were already into her, and when she showed a little personality it only made things worse. She couldn't get them to lose interest in her.

Now that I look back, there was no incentive for her to be funny. She was right to skip over the news and watch the Style E network.

Guys will take women smart, we'll take'em dumb, but we won't take them with clumpy short lashes.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Human Mirror

People who have too much time on their hands and need to get a life OR clever and interesting improvisation? You be the judge.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

The Best Health In the Universe

If Obama's elected as the next president he vows to make universal healthcare a reality. The republicans just want to reform the system a bit. So who's right?

I'm all for the philosophy of healthcare for every American. It seems right, even we can't all explain fully. There's something wrong when a rich nation like ours still has people who die needlessly because of a lack of funds.

My problem has always been with the execution. Can we do it? I don't think we're smart enough or responsible enough as a country to have the government manage the entire health coverage system. I'm convinced they're gonna mess it up.

The analogy I use is the legal system. Everyone has the right in our country to be represented by legal counsel in any U.S. court. How's that system doing? Does anyone respect that institution. The public defenders are walking punchlines. Of course it's because there's not much incentive for a law school grad to do it. Getting free, government-issued legal counsel is like throwing your case away. The government believes that although everyone deserves counsel, not everyone deserves Johnny Cochran.

Is the same thing going to happen with doctors? Will we end up with a system full of basic, low-level doctors for the masses and the good ones saved for the rich? I don't see why we should expect anything else?

Are we asking for too much? It looks like the democrats not only want everyone to have healthcare, but to also have the BEST possible healthcare to each person.

Most Americans believe that we all deserve a meal at the end of the day no matter what our financial standing. But does that mean we all deserve a ribeye steak dinner with all the trimmings?