Monday, December 17, 2007

Nothin Like Thug Lovin

A child is being hailed as a hero today, but what's up with the mom?

Seliethia Parker, 30, was about to get shot and her daughter, seven year-old Alexis, jumped in front of the bullets getting shot herself and saving her mother's life in the process. The story seemed sad and heroic until I read this line, "Parker's former boyfriend, Calvin Tillie, a 29-year-old ex-convict on parole, was arrested in the shooting and charged with two counts of assault with intent to commit murder..."

Is anyone going to ask the mom why she was dating a dangerous ex-convict? What are the odds that this guy has never shown crazy aggression to her before? How likely is it that she's never seen him with the gun before? What are the chances that a friend will say he was bound to do something sooner or later, as crazy as he was?

I'm reminded of a scene in "Goodfellas," where the guy gives his wife a bloodied gun to hide and she says that she knew she should've been scared and left him, but for some reason she felt turned on by it. You ladies like the bad boys right? Well, where a bullet-proof vest for the next time he gets pissed at you.

I see single moms being held as heroes all the time. Although their child-rearing ability IS heroic, their man-picking ability is terrible (even life-threatening). Maybe this is the effect of all the romantic movies where a woman goes against what her parents and society thinks and "admirably" runs away with the love of her life to live happily ever after. I guess reality is saved for the sequel that turns into a horror flick, where Romeo shows his true colors and tries to murder the entire family in a drunken rage.

We've all known girls that have gotten with complete bums. Everyone says to leave him but she wants to listen to another Alicia Keys record and stay true to her love. You want to throw your life away? Fine, but don't come to us when he leaves you for the next "true love" of his, asking for some kind of government assistance or police protection for you and your kids. Why should we have to bear your destructive life choices?

Now there's a kid in critical condition and may soon die. What's worse, she's too young too understand the fact that her mother's idea of love for her didn't involve making a better choice of a mate. story

Thursday, December 13, 2007

2007 Superlatives: Best Drunk Celeb Video

Don't hassle the Hoff! Well... until he tells his daughter to film him if he ever relapses. She might've saved his life with this video. He was embarassed into sobriety, and we got a good laugh out of the whole thing.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Wisdom From Africa

Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up.
It knows it must run faster than the fastest lion or it will be killed.
Every morning a lion wakes up.
It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death.
It doesn't matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle.
When the sun comes up, you better start running.
-African Proverb

What A Piece Of Ass: Leighton Meester

I don't really know much about this beauty, but apparently she's somewhere on tv and hot. Upon research I see she's on Gossip Girl. Never seen it. Maybe I should start watching.

Her best feature? Check out that strong nose and chin. Gotta love the angled chin. Her face needs to be in the Smithsonian. Thank you Mister and Misses Meester, you've definitely contributed to the beautification of this planet.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Fed Up With Life? Want to Kill Yourself?

Then do it at home!

Don't go to the mall and take a bunch of us with you. We value life; you damn sycophant. Everybody's got problems. Every person you murder has problems that they are DEALING WITH. Some of those people are in situations so tough you'd think it was just a hollywood script. Our girlfriends have left us. Our parents suck too. We've gotten fired from our jobs before. Chill out.

Don't you know killing yourself is the stupidest form of getting attention? People will cry for five minutes and then you'll be forgotten forever. The worst solution!? It's the lazy way out of your issues. It's a sign of the ultimate drama queen. I don't care how bad you think it is now. Do not take your life. Yes, you're a moron. Yes, you're a failure. Yes, no one likes you; but only in THIS MOMENT. You still have the greatest power in the universe by your side; chance. You have a chance to turn things around. You have a chance to weather the storm. You have a chance to realize that you have the strength to get through it.

From a moral, ethical, societal, even economical point of view it's the worst thing you will ever think about. Don't even joke about it anymore.

But if you, in your infinite wisdom, decide to solve your problems the lazy way. Go hang yourself in your closet. Slit your wrists in the tub. Just leave the rest of us the hell alone. At least if you do it by yourself a few might feel sorry for you. If you go out guns blazing then you'll be remembered as being a troubled soul; and a consummate asshole.

Now eight innocent people are dead. For what? For what!? I think I'm gonna be sick. story

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

You Don't Watch Foreign Films!?

You don't know what you're missing. No, they aren't all weird and boring. They can be real interesting and look at things in a much different way than American filmmakers. And okay some of them can get kind of weird (like what's up with the vague Japanese endings?), but there are so many good ones. And no, it's not hard to read the text. You won't even realize it after the first five minutes. So don't worry about the bad ones, that's why I'm here. To watch the bad ones for you and pass on the keepers.

I'll throw a few essential Spanish language flicks into your foreign film starter kit. They aren't just good they are great. I'm starting you off with the absolute cream of the Latin crop. The next time you're at Blockbuster and are seriously contemplating Daddy Day Care or another Pirates movie. Just throw them both away and look for these:

Hable Con Ella/Talk To Her (Spain)

Plot: Two men share an odd friendship while they care for their girlfriends who are both in deep comas. It's a crazy story of love and friendship. You'll love the characters in it. Especially one of the ladies, she's so damned cute (even in a coma). Of the three, If I wanted to chill out, and learn something about life, this would be my pick. This might be the best foreign movie I've ever seen. If you don't watch it, it will be the greatest movie you've never given yourself the chance to experience. DON'T LEAVE THIS EARTH WITHOUT WATCHING THIS MOVIE.

'Talk to Her is so darned assured, we have absolutely no idea who the main characters are until the film is well under way -- and yet it's hard to stop watching.'

'Occasionally funny, always very colorful and enjoyably overblown in the traditional Almodóvar style.'

"Another knockout from Almodovar."

"Amoldóvar is a master of emotional texture, peeling away layer upon layer of the feelings...until he reaches Benigno's troubled psyche and Marco's benevolent soul."


Y Tu Mama Tambien (Mexico).

Plot: Two teenage boys go on a cross-country trip with a milf. Hilarity and potential sexploitation ensue. And no, you can't watch it with your parents around.

'Anyone with a passion for cinema, and indeed sex, should see it as soon as possible.'

'A smart, steamy mix of road movie, coming-of-age story and political satire.'

'Erotic, controversial, and unforgettable.'

City of God (Brazil, Portugese).

Plot: This movie takes you into the craziness of life on the streets in a Brazilian ghetto. You've never seen kids this hardcore. Never.

"That rare film that manages to be seductively entertaining without ever compromising its authenticity and power."

'A tremendous, skilfully composed film that impresses with its artistry and quirkiness while smacking you in the solar plexus with its message.'

'A real adrenaline rush -- at times it manages to be powerful, thrilling and funny and sometimes all three of them at the same time.'

post script: I was going to show you the other trailers, but they show way too much of the movie. You're better off just enjoying the movies without them.

You Betta Get It Girl

Get your pecker off my daughter(!) screams the angry parent. What are they so mad about? The way kids are dancing nowadays. Freak dancing, grinding; most kids just call it dancing.

Some say it's MTV. Some say it's lazy parenting. Whatever the cause, kids are dancing closer and closer to each other every year lately. School boards, PTA's, and community forums are meeting up about it. Parents are outraged. Politicians are being asked to step in. They say it's inappropriate, indecent and shouldn't be allowed. Are they right? Well, let's see.

Why Let Them Freak?

I'm getting a bit older and a bit more conservative but I gotta go with the kids on this one. Granted I would never allow my daughter or son to do it in front of me, but as a general society issue, it does more good than harm. Here's why.

The kids get to express something important in a controlled environment. Let's be honest, 14-17 year old guys aren't getting laid. They're pumped with hormones, zits, and awkward behavior, and have no willing ladies to...well pump out their hormones with. And young girls have their own mix of awkwardness, acne, and hormones with the added fear of not wanting to be thought of as sluts. Solution? The dance floor. Girls can get freaky with no judgment, and guys can get closer to chicks than they've ever been with no need for the suave to "game" anyone. So at that equilibrium we have a meeting of the minds and the genitals. Problem solved.

They aren't all going off to have sex afterwards. After the song is over, it's over. I remember at project graduation dancing hardcore with a girl for like a half-hour thinking we must of made some kind of connection. Ha! She looked at me like I was crazy when I tried to parlay our dance into something more. It is a controlled environment, with social rules and limitations put in place by the participants themselves. If the girls aren't looking to grind, they'll just surround themselves with their girls. The guys might whine a bit, saying, "If you ain't come to dance, take ya ass home." But don't worry about that, their little peepees are just sad. They know the deal.

It all looks much worse than it really is.

What The Parents Are Right About

The only thing I'll give the parents is that it is a bit inappropriate. That kind of intimate grinding really should be happening in private. There's times when two people are practically initiating coitus in front of God and the rest of the world. They're out there pumping as hard as they can. They guy's feeling her up and breathing hard down her neck. Her head's tilted back with her mouth open and her eyes shut. Okay, we might have to break that up at prom. But you normally see that from tacky adults. You probably won't be seeing that at the next Wellington homecoming dance (at least I hope not). But for the most part, we'd rather them do it out in the open instead of alone behind closed doors.

What If We Don't?

We tell the kids not to bang each other. They say okay we'll wait. But we gotta give them something. They have to let it out somehow. Complete repression will just turn them into perverted fools a few years down the line.

That's when we'll get more of the "humiliation" fetishes. Just a bunch of guys and girls that want to be tied up, beaten, spanked, choked, and pissed on for sexual pleasure. Because they will finally be able to dominate the other sex that was off limits to them all their life. Being kept from all sexual contact will eventually express itself in the saddest form.

We have to tough it out to if we want to have sexually healthy kids. Let them get freaky on the dance floor, as much as it pains us to watch some random, sweaty, Jay-Z wanna-be rub his junk on our daughters.