Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Drinker's Response

Every month or so we drinkers have to listen to the bartenders go on about the woes of bar business. We've heard you complain for a while, maybe you all need to hear what we have to say for once:

Okay so the guy in the nice suit didn't tip you well. Awww you poor thing. Maybe if you got off your ass and made him a drink when he asked instead of flirting with the skank-ass junior college chicks in the corner he would've dropped you a couple bucks.

And please cut the crap about "We see you." "Just make eye contact." Hah! Bull shit. You don't see a damn thing. Especially you guys: if it doesn't have a pair of tits it might as well be invisible. If we didn't say anything we'd be standing there til last call.

So here are the rules bartenders:

#1 - Respect the patrons. This can't be said enough. We go out week in and out spending our money to pay your rent. We could've went to the club next door, but we decided to try you out. Don't give us attitude when we come up to your bar. We came to give YOU money and keep YOUR lights on.

The guys aren't so bad with this one, because they know if they sell out too much we're liable to reach over the bar and put things into perspective for them. But you ladies are unbelievable sometimes. We don't know what makes you think you have a free pass to cuss out everyone that doesn't tip you 50%. Every guy has been disrespected by a female bartender for no apparent reason before. Yes, we know a lot of guys hit on you. You don't have to take it out on everyone else.

Plus, you got on shorts so short that we can see your ovaries and your top is cutting off your circulation, please cut the shit about being 'bothered' all the time. (And we see those stains on your shirt btw. You wore the same one last night and the night before that. The club ain't that dark honey.)

#2 - If you can't remember the order, right it down. We even warn you sometimes. "Hey I got six drinks for you." "Ok," you say. "You sure?" "Yea go ahead." But of course what's gonna happen? We wait ten minutes and you come back with five drinks; and two of them aren't even close to what we asked for. Pay attention or grab a pen.

#3 - If you can't handle a rush, work the day shift. Stop standing their like a deer in the headlights. Yes, you are busy, what were you expecting. It's not your first day. You're moving in slow motion while the bar's piling up.

Listen, if someone's not ready, just move on. Problem solved. Don't sit there for twenty minutes talking to the frat guy who's trying to get you to make some random shot called the Optimus Prime that he and his buddies made up while smoking out. Just move on!

#4 - Reciprocate. Your rules say that you'll remember us when we tip big, but you never do. We hook you up and you don't even look at the tip. You just throw it in the bin and ignore us like everyone else when the next round comes along. We will gladly take care of you up if you do the same.

#5 - Don't get wasted behind the bar. Some guy wants to buy you a Jager shot? Cool. The big spender on the end wants to hit up some Patron with you? Okay. But don't be surprised when you're stumbling around getting yelled at by everyone cause you keep forgetting what they ordered and giving the wrong change back. Bartenders claim to be able to drink anyone under the table. Well fine, but why don't we wait til after hours to prove your mastery, ace.

Finding a good bartender is just as important as finding a good tailor or barber. And the qualities that are needed are about the same. We just need a cool person who knows what they're doing. When we get along things can go very well for the both of us.

So maybe we're all not gonna be holding hands and singing Kumbayah. But if we respect each other's situation and act accordingly we'll all be much better off.

**Repost this if you agree**

So... What Have We Learned: Birthday Edition

It's my birthday today! I noticed that I have never posted on my fete de nesance before. So let's look back on the year past and see what we've learned. You know what they say, if you're not learning, you're not growing.

We learned throughout the year that summer blockbusters still disappoint(Transformers, Bourne Ultimatum).

That just cause you're cool and black, that doesn't mean you're gonna have an easy ride to become president. (Sorry Barack Hussein)

We learned that news gathering is still a spectator sport that should be broadcast with the rolling disclaimer: Objects on screen may appear more objective than they really are.

You still can't trust athletes. They'll either get arrested every other weekend, dope up til their balls shrink to oblivion, or start an illegal dog fighting ring.

We learned that the good still die (Bill Walsh, Merv Griffin) and the bad are still alive (Barry Bonds, O.J.)

And most importantly we learned that American Idol is still the hottest show around. Go Jordin!

I wonder what important life lessons we'll get next year. So til I turn 28, take care!

Monday, August 13, 2007

Quick Book Review: Stumbling On Happiness B-

I recently finished Daniel Gilbert's bestseller, "Stumbling On Happiness." His point is very clear and you get it quick. He says you think you know what makes you happy but you're probably wrong.

Most of the points you should at least be vaguely familiar with already. But you will definitely get some new stuff out of it. Or at least you'll get some validation about things you thought of but weren't sure of yet.

What'll keep you going with the book is his sense of humor. I was expecting a Harvard professor to be a little more stuffy.

I'm toying with putting it on the Free-Thinkers must-read list. Mostly because the concepts that are gone over are foundational for any successful journey. It just might be a little too basic for my readership.

You would've stopped reading this blog a long time ago if you couldn't hang with a book like this. Maybe I'll recommend it as a quality tester. B-

The Conversation 2

I had a conversation with a moth.

"Why are you so intrigued by the firelight?" I asked.
"It's beautiful."
"But as soon as you reach it you will be engulfed by the flame."
"It'll be the end of you," I protested.
"It's beauty is my desire. I can grasp it and possibly die or let it go and live a much longer existence."
He paused and then said, "I choose the light."

He flew into the flame and disappeared. I thought to myself about what he said. I figured there is no way I could live like that. My life will probably be twice as long and less exciting. But I couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to have that kind of passion about something.

How Did I Miss This One?

I try to keep my finger on the pulse of the movie biz. Even if I don't see every movie I at least know about the good ones.

But Little Children came out, got great praise, then went away and I never heard about it.

Luckily a friend recommended it and I trusted them. Come to find out it was directed by Todd Field. He's the guy that did In The Bedroom which was great.

It's hard to talk about it without giving anything away. But if you need to know a little bit, it's about a suburban town that seems pretty normal. But you go into the people's lives and come out learning something about yourself.

Lately I've been liking movies that really get under the skin. It's like this movie opens you up like a surgeon and just starts looking at all your parts. You feel so naked watching it. It doesn't jerk you around or abuse at all; it just looks.

Very well done. A

Classic Corner

The great Don Rickles. Enjoy!

Friday, August 10, 2007

Bourne Again

Lately, I've been hating on the blockbusters. I thought 300 sucked. I hated Transformers. So it's probably not much of a surprise that I was yawning through The Bourne Ultimatum.

Why the hell are we still so interested in the world of secret agents? Is it really that cool to see a guy running from the law? I can understand if it was made with a story that really sucked you in. With crazy villains and cool heroes. But just an agent-on-the-run movie for it's own sake? Boring.

The new James Bond movie is the way to make a secret agent flick.

Paul Greengrass is a hack by the way. You think after a chilled out movie like United 93(which was terrible by the way) he'd bring some control to an action pic. Wrong! You want to see an example of a good drama/thriller director putting life into a popcorn movie? Christopher Nolan with Batman Begins. You remember in Memento how he had his editor cut the flashback scenes. And how he brought that same style to Batman. PERFECT. Its little things like that that are the perfect example of a talented director that could keep his classiness and technique and still have fun with a movie. If only Greengrass could've taken some notes.

I'm wondering why the critics are giving Bourne such good reviews. It's probably cause no one pays attention to them any more. They don't want to seem like the old fuddy duddy critics who can't enjoy a fun movie. So they cater to these crap films in hopes of getting some street cred.

I blame Roger Ebert. I saw this trend start after he gave XXX four stars. Yes; FOUR stars to a Vin Diesel stinker. That movie was TERRIBLE. So now every critic wants to join in and say they're cool enough to like the garbage kids are watching.

I'll admit the Bourne Supremacy was watchable. But overall I'm glad the Bourne trilogy is over. Report card: 'Identity' F, 'Supremacy' B-, 'Ultimatum' D+

(editor's note: It seems that Ebert has recently downgraded his XXX review to 31/2 stars.)

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Kelly Clarkson vs. Clive Davis: Who you Got?

Kelly Clarkson's album's pretty crappy. I heard it and apparently not many other have. No good singles have come out of it yet. Her tour got cancelled and she got mad. Did she blame herself for the bad music? Of course not. Even though she went against what the label recommended and co-wrote every song on the album, "My December." She blamed the top dog, Clive Davis--the man responsible for her post-Idol success.

Clarkson told Davis, "I don't know you very well, and I am not a bull-shitter. I get [that] you don't like the album. You're 80; you're not supposed to like my album."

She told Blender magazine, "I literally got told to my face that it wouldn't sell more than 600,000 copies. And I got lied to. One reason I don't like working with people at the label is that they lie . . . If you're going with the flow and not fighting, that's settling. I can't take that. Life is just too short to be a pushover."

So if he so old and out of touch, how did he manage to predict that your first album would sell off the charts? Ungrateful, disrespectful, little brat.

Don't doubt old white guys' skills. Old white men are responsible for just about everything we enjoy. 99% of your entertainment has been brought to you by guys you'd never hang out with. They either did it themselves or signed off on it.

Even when you're a kid, old white guys are creating the fun in your life. All those "cool" toys are designed by people who would never play with them. Poeple who can barely remember what it's like to be a kid. And yet they manage to keep you entertained. Because they're SMART.

The Spice Girls; Backstreet Boys; *Nsync; Britney Spears; Christina Aguilera; Hillary Duff; Hannah Montana; High-School Musical; all created and developed by crusty old balding dudes that would never listen to the music they create.

You don't have to personally like something to know if it's marketable. Clive Davis is saying your crap won't sell. And he's right!

And of course, she later apologized, saying she's sorry for the comments, and that Clive is great. Adding that the media blew it out of proportion. Suuuure. It's the media's fault. Riiiight.

Suffice to say she's an idiot. I still like her butt though. She's a semi-cute, curvy, IDIOT!