Every month or so we drinkers have to listen to the bartenders go on about the woes of bar business. We've heard you complain for a while, maybe you all need to hear what we have to say for once:
Okay so the guy in the nice suit didn't tip you well. Awww you poor thing. Maybe if you got off your ass and made him a drink when he asked instead of flirting with the skank-ass junior college chicks in the corner he would've dropped you a couple bucks.
And please cut the crap about "We see you." "Just make eye contact." Hah! Bull shit. You don't see a damn thing. Especially you guys: if it doesn't have a pair of tits it might as well be invisible. If we didn't say anything we'd be standing there til last call.
So here are the rules bartenders:
#1 - Respect the patrons. This can't be said enough. We go out week in and out spending our money to pay your rent. We could've went to the club next door, but we decided to try you out. Don't give us attitude when we come up to your bar. We came to give YOU money and keep YOUR lights on.
The guys aren't so bad with this one, because they know if they sell out too much we're liable to reach over the bar and put things into perspective for them. But you ladies are unbelievable sometimes. We don't know what makes you think you have a free pass to cuss out everyone that doesn't tip you 50%. Every guy has been disrespected by a female bartender for no apparent reason before. Yes, we know a lot of guys hit on you. You don't have to take it out on everyone else.
Plus, you got on shorts so short that we can see your ovaries and your top is cutting off your circulation, please cut the shit about being 'bothered' all the time. (And we see those stains on your shirt btw. You wore the same one last night and the night before that. The club ain't that dark honey.)
#2 - If you can't remember the order, right it down. We even warn you sometimes. "Hey I got six drinks for you." "Ok," you say. "You sure?" "Yea go ahead." But of course what's gonna happen? We wait ten minutes and you come back with five drinks; and two of them aren't even close to what we asked for. Pay attention or grab a pen.
#3 - If you can't handle a rush, work the day shift. Stop standing their like a deer in the headlights. Yes, you are busy, what were you expecting. It's not your first day. You're moving in slow motion while the bar's piling up.
Listen, if someone's not ready, just move on. Problem solved. Don't sit there for twenty minutes talking to the frat guy who's trying to get you to make some random shot called the Optimus Prime that he and his buddies made up while smoking out. Just move on!
#4 - Reciprocate. Your rules say that you'll remember us when we tip big, but you never do. We hook you up and you don't even look at the tip. You just throw it in the bin and ignore us like everyone else when the next round comes along. We will gladly take care of you up if you do the same.
#5 - Don't get wasted behind the bar. Some guy wants to buy you a Jager shot? Cool. The big spender on the end wants to hit up some Patron with you? Okay. But don't be surprised when you're stumbling around getting yelled at by everyone cause you keep forgetting what they ordered and giving the wrong change back. Bartenders claim to be able to drink anyone under the table. Well fine, but why don't we wait til after hours to prove your mastery, ace.
Finding a good bartender is just as important as finding a good tailor or barber. And the qualities that are needed are about the same. We just need a cool person who knows what they're doing. When we get along things can go very well for the both of us.
So maybe we're all not gonna be holding hands and singing Kumbayah. But if we respect each other's situation and act accordingly we'll all be much better off.
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