How To Talk To White People: Coldplay

From Stuff White People like:

White people who list Coldplay as their favorite band are what we will call “basic” level white. Chances are that they discovered the band a few years ago and have attended at least one concert. Their knowledge of music is very limited, and there is a 100 percent chance that they also like U2. If you need to befriend one of these people, just tell them that X&Y helped you get through a difficult breakup. They will understand.

If you mention the band to a white person and that white person rolls their eyes, you are likely dealing with a “standard” level white person. The way to know for sure is to say, “I consider the band to be a guilty pleasure.” A favorable reaction indicates that your white person is indeed standard level. For the most part, these people are either former fans (“I liked Parachutes when it came out”) or very reluctant fans (“Yeah, I guess ‘The Scientist’ is a good song”). Though they may appear more standoffish than basic level white people, they are far easier to manipulate once you know their secret...

Full Article

Why Women Aren't Funny

Our penises have voted. Guys would rather have a hot girl then an interesting one. And women have obliged us by putting the books down and picking up the eyelash curlers.

Guys, when was the last time a girl you just met cracked you up? Long time ago? Never? I can think of about one or two. The question though is why?


Well I got a chance to do an experiment I've always wanted to do.

I became friends with a pretty hot chick a while back. We got to talking about Myspace, and I asked her about guys messaging her. She kinda blew it off and said only creeps tried to get with her. I kept pressing her about it and she said she'd let me see her page and inbox. What I saw shouldn't have shocked me, but it did.

She came off as so dry and uninteresting that if it weren't for her bikini pictures I don't think anyone would have hung around her page for more than three seconds. She's the type of girl that puts in her 'Heroes' section: Martin Luther King and Lauren Conrad. You know, crap like that. The type of girl that has in her 'Books' section: does Us Weekly count?

I cleaned up the entire page. Each section had a bit of funny added in. I threw up a few funny blogs, and a few stories of our adventures told from her perspective.

Well, things unfolded just as I thought. The guys went nuts. Absolutely went ape-shit over this girl. She said her mailbox always had messages waiting for her that she couldn't get to. I stood behind her and told her to respond to the ones that she liked. She would tell me what she wanted to say, and I would sprinkle a little personality on it (You'd be shocked at how bland our female friends can be).


I feel bad for the guys, since she really had no desire to meet anyone. She just wanted to see what would happen. I witnessed her turn down more dates than I've actually participated in. Eventually we had to close the account because she just couldn't take it anymore.

I always thought to myself that my humor was pretty decent. But I wondered what would happen if a hot girl had the same verbal chops as me? Obviously it's a mix that's too potent for mere mortals to handle.


So what should we get out of this little foray into contemporary social theory? First women aren't funny (sad but true). Second, they probably don't have to be. Why? Because us guys don't ask them to be. It's nice to have, but doesn't make much difference. Women look better than men. Yea I know you might think a woman sees it differently, but you're wrong. But that's because they actually care about how they look.

Our value comes from our personalities first, and looks second: and the complete opposite for the ladies.

One thing that backfired in the experiment was when the creepy guys fell even harder for her. Most guys were already into her, and when she showed a little personality it only made things worse. She couldn't get them to lose interest in her.

Now that I look back, there was no incentive for her to be funny. She was right to skip over the news and watch the Style E network.

Guys will take women smart, we'll take'em dumb, but we won't take them with clumpy short lashes.

Human Mirror

People who have too much time on their hands and need to get a life OR clever and interesting improvisation? You be the judge.

The Best Health In the Universe

If Obama's elected as the next president he vows to make universal healthcare a reality. The republicans just want to reform the system a bit. So who's right?

I'm all for the philosophy of healthcare for every American. It seems right, even we can't all explain fully. There's something wrong when a rich nation like ours still has people who die needlessly because of a lack of funds.

My problem has always been with the execution. Can we do it? I don't think we're smart enough or responsible enough as a country to have the government manage the entire health coverage system. I'm convinced they're gonna mess it up.

The analogy I use is the legal system. Everyone has the right in our country to be represented by legal counsel in any U.S. court. How's that system doing? Does anyone respect that institution. The public defenders are walking punchlines. Of course it's because there's not much incentive for a law school grad to do it. Getting free, government-issued legal counsel is like throwing your case away. The government believes that although everyone deserves counsel, not everyone deserves Johnny Cochran.

Is the same thing going to happen with doctors? Will we end up with a system full of basic, low-level doctors for the masses and the good ones saved for the rich? I don't see why we should expect anything else?

Are we asking for too much? It looks like the democrats not only want everyone to have healthcare, but to also have the BEST possible healthcare to each person.

Most Americans believe that we all deserve a meal at the end of the day no matter what our financial standing. But does that mean we all deserve a ribeye steak dinner with all the trimmings?

Obama Not Shaking the Religious Wasps Nest

Interesting article from Slate magazine:

What is clear is that Barack Obama is pursuing a course radically different from Kerry's—or, for that matter, Al Gore's. (Gore lost the white evangelical vote by a 68-30 margin.) And therein lies a tale about one of the least appreciated but most effective of political techniques: the art not so much of winning over voters as of lessening the intensity of their opposition...

The reassurance strategy, by contrast, takes the opposition as a given and then tries to lower its intensity. To oppose a candidate, after all, isn't the same as actually giving money or pulling the lever for the other guy. White evangelicals in Ohio may well support John McCain by margins of 2-1—but if they're not out on Election Day with car pools and massive door-to-door vote pulling, that's a major victory for Obama.

(to article)

Uncle Lester the Molester Celebrates

Sometimes I really like what the Supreme Court does. They are appointed for life so they won't be swayed by political leaders or, more importantly, political climates. I want to talk about the climates.

Nowadays, there's a vitriol toward child rapists that used to be saved for cannibals. They are thought of as less than human. And now, some members of Congress want to put a law in effect that allows them to get the death penalty.

The Supreme Court said no. They say the death penalty should be saved for cases involving death.

I'm not sure if I agree with them, but I respect their wisdom and knowledge of the law. I may have been caught up in the death-to-rapist sentiment too. Anyone who would violate a child like that should be punished severely. That child will never be whole again. Rapists essentially kill a part of that kid's life.

But that sentiment has been like a fever spreading through the country as of late. Child rapes have been going on for many years, but it's only lately that they've been headlined on national news. Tv shows hoping to catch child predators have flourished.

This rabid drive to hang all child predators won't last. And I'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing. The Supreme Court thinks the same way. They don't make rulings for temporary shifts in public sentiment. And they definitely don't join witch hunts. Hopefully (I'll have to check the history books on that one). Or if they have in the past, maybe they learned from it.

I like my Supreme Court a bit old and out of touch. You don't want them trendy cause their rulings will last way beyond your little pet project.

By the way, they know much more about the law than most two-bit senators with constituencies to answer to. They've spent their entire adult lives contemplating legal issues, how much have we?

Why?

Girl: I need to talk to you about something.

Guy: Ok What?

I'll tell you later.

Ugh...Just tell me now.

No. I'd rather tell you in person. I'll tell you when I see you tonight.

So why did you bring it up now? You could've just told me later and not have me wonder about what the hell you have to say for the whole afternoon.

What's the big deal?


The big deal is I don't know if you got diagnosed with cancer or if you bought a new pair of Seven jeans. If you want to break up or get married. Maybe you want to confess that you've been cheating on me or that you think I'm cheating on you. This is gonna eat me up all day.

I don't have cancer.

Ughh. Why do I even try.

Wait... cheating?

It was just an example.

Why would you even bring that up?

Ugh goddammit. I was just saying that I have no idea about what you might want to talk about.

Why would cheating even come in your mind? ARE you cheating on me??

I hate my life.



Why do girlfriends torture us like this??????


Our boss once told us that he had an announcement that he was gonna make at the end of the week. Everyone ran around crazy trying to figure it out. They asked me why I didn't care. Maybe it's cause my ex's tortured me so much that I erase what people say now when they tell me I'll find out later.

I haven't been excited about hearing what anyone's had to say since 1999. Thanks girls (sarcasm?).

$4000 Piece of Tail

Stocks closed higher today than they have a LONG time. Something like 400 points.

The news media says stocks are up because of Fed Reserve moves. But those guys have been doing stuff all year and no one's cared, why is everyone all the sudden so excited!?

Why isn't anyone saying the obvious, that investors are happy that holier-than-thou Gov. Eliot Spitzer got pinched for buying high-price hookers. Wall Street hated that bald bastard like poison.

By the way, $4000 for a hooker? That must've been some piece of ass, brother.

Isn't always the ones that are preaching the loudest about ethics that are the worst people?

Like I'm always afraid of the guy that preaches against homosexuality or porn the most. Cause they always got the nastiest stuff hiding in their closets.

Let Me Make A Prediction...

Clinton will do well tonight.

Why? I say because people are talking more about her. Attention breeds votes.

We'll see if I'm right.

Who Is The King of Donkey Kong?

I don't like trying to convince people to watch movies. I find that movies are best appreciated when they are found. And nobody should sit through 2 hours of something they don't like just because it's supposed to be important.

BUT... you should watch 'King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters.' It's a documentary about guys trying to conquer the world record for the arcade game Donkey Kong.


Now I know what your probably saying, I said the same thing. Why in the world would I want to watch middle-aged men play Donkey Kong? I'll tell ya. It's all about the filmmaking. Whoever made it, knows what they're doing. And the story is a classic tale of a little guy taking on the big boss superstar champion. It's good.


I'm that sure that everyone in the free-thinkers universe will enjoy it.