How well do you know Doug?

I wrote a Doug Quiz. Take it and see how you measure up with the rest of the Quail Freaks.
Ultimate Nickelodeon's Doug Quiz(Easy)

Here's the hard one I wrote. (No one but Joel is advised to take this one.) Ultimate Nickelodeon's Doug Quiz (Hard)

Yall Listen Up, the Yall Brigade's on the March!

As those close to me have probably realized by now, I've been studying phonology, linguistics, and the history of the English language like a mad-man lately.

I feel like I'm getting close to really understanding the language. I now know that periods and commas were first written for people who couldn't read, and why Bono didn't get in trouble for saying "fucking brilliant" on national television (hint: it's an adverb in that phrase), and that if someone asked me how to pronounce the word "cute," I could explain it in nerdiest way: produce an unvoiced velar stop followed by a voiced palatal glide modified by a high, back vowel formed dipthong, and end with an unvoiced alveolar stop).

But that's child's play compared to the great battle that I've been apprised of. As everyone knows, English doesn't have a marked plural second-person form. Okay, well maybe not everyone knows it by name. But when I wrote "yall" in the title, I exposed the apparent flaw.

There's no word for "you" (plural). So what's a nation to do? Well in the East they say "you guys," in the South it's "yall," the Deep Southerners say "yous," and in Pittsburgh it's "yuns."

Now there's no way I'm going to live in a country that says "yous" or "yuns." So they're both out the door. "You guys" and "you all" don't fill the need for one word; which leaves us with "yall." So sleak and slender, it encompasses everything we need the second-person plural form to do.

So I'm asking everyone to sign up for the Yall Brigade (cue the patriotic music). We are a force of savvy speakers aiming to establish yall as the crown contraction for plural forms. Your mission is simple, use "yall" every chance you get. Spread the wisdom and joy of this glorious key to furthering literary clarity. Our cause is simple, yet vitally important. And one day, when the annals of our history are being written, we can stand triumphantly and declare that when we saw a need, we didn't hesitate, we filled the gap and changed the you form forever! Do it for me. Do it for yourself. Do it for posterity, yall!

Rationalizing the Spirit

 Seeing the beginning of the Spirit (sorry, walked out) reminded me of a rhetorical structure I wanted to talk about. There was a triplet of characters with t-shirts emblazoned with Logos, Ethos, and Pathos.

Those three concepts set a clear framework from which speakers and writers can more effectively connect with their audiences.

Logos is using logic to persuade people. "We should walk out of this movie because our marginal utility functions provide sufficient reason to seek enjoyment in another theater."

Ethos uses ethics or morals to explain. "We should walk out of this movie because there's is something fundamentally wrong with sitting in a movie that you don't like. It's just wrong."

Pathos is using emotion to persuade. "I'm going to cry if we don't leave this movie. You don't want me to start wailing right here, right now, do you?"

The great speakers of the world, use the best combination of these three techniques to get their message across. Now you can too!

Hi Adolf!

Okay so how do you know your parents are nuts? Just look on your birth certificate son. 

A couple in Easton, Pennsylvania kicked up a fuss when the bakery at Shoprite wouldn't put "Happy Birthday Adolf Hitler" on his cake. story So what did the cooky couple do? They went to Walmart! That's the best solution. Everyone knows Walmart doesn't have a heart. You can't offend people who value nothing but money. 

Shoprite should have honores their valid, albeit idotic, request. They offer to write the name down of whoever's birthday it is. Well that's his name. They got the proof. It doesn't matter if you don't like the name.

I feel bad for little Adolf. He's stuck with that name until he's eighteen. How bad is he gonna get made fun of. Those his moron parents better have their home-school kit ready for when he gets jumped one too many times by the school bully, Tyrone Malcom X Jackson.

I thought that there were certain names that you couldn't give your kids. In that case I can finally give my kid the name I've always wanted. I wonder how my dad's gonna react when he meets his grandson, Blacky McMonkey. He and little Adolf would get along great.

story

Ha... We Got You!!!

Ok... great you got me. I thought you were serious there for a sec. But okay, it was all a joke. Oh look, yea, I see the cameras right there. What? A new ABC show? Great. Do I win something? No? Oh well okay. A release? Oh so I can agree to let you use my image on your show? Let me think about it... 

Hell no! I ain't signing crap. I don't care if you all think I'm being a curmudgeon. You can all kiss my ass. Ever since Candid Camera invaded the privacy of normal people going about there business. Every starving segment producer with armed with a camera, release forms, and a 'wacky' host has been convinced that they have the next great prank show. 

Just leave us the hell alone. Why don't you do something daring and go write a script that's actually entertaining. You say everyone wants reality tv nowadays. Well that's because your scripted shows sucked! So instead of going back and being creative you all decided to just abandon using your brains and starting spitting out nothing but reality. Okay so you got some idiots to sign up for your stupid show. But that wasn't enough. Now people who are just trying to get to work have to help sell your garbage by being tricked, bothered, and made complete fools of to entertain your brainless audience. 

Well let me send you a message from everyone who doesn't want your stinkin cameras in our face. No, we will not sign a goddamn thing!

I thought MTV's Boiling Point was the lowest the prank shows could get. That is until I saw the crap on BET. Hell Date is quite possibly THE worst show that has ever made it on the air. I should've filed a complaint to the FCC just for sucking so bad. It's done terribly, the scenarios are stupid, and the people don't even win any money for having their time wasted! I want to know what Neanderthal's they convinced to sign on to their garbage. 

How empty does someone's life have to be to enjoy that kind of 'entertainment.' It sounds elitist, but it's so damn true. Seriously, I don't care if fans of those types of shows are offended that I think they are brainless retards. I'm ready to have a debate with anybody, anytime if they want to defend that trash. 

The only schadenfreudic indulgence I'll give you is a guy getting hit in the nuts. That will always be funny 'til the end of time. But that doesn't mean that I'll take a half-hour out of my day to watch people get hurt, have accidents, and get accosted by twenty-somethings with spiked hair. 

I had to examine why I enjoyed seeing people get hurt many years ago. And to all those who do enjoy it, I suggest you do the same.

I'm Real. Really!

Here's a great article on Beyonce's alter persona, and it's egocentric core. The article is a good read, but what I like most is how well it's written. Doppleganger pop by Jonah Weiner

Miriam Makeba 1932-2008

Mama Africa has died of a heart-attack after a performance in Italy. story I learned about her a few years back when I watched Amandla, a documentary about the role of music in South Africa during apartheid. I love the music in that movie.

I don't want to force a movie on anyone. But I highly recommend it.

Her most famous song is Pata Pata. Acute listeners will recognize the song from Season 3 in NBC's now canceled, Las Vegas.

Pata Pata - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pygqt0uwnuc

Amandla Trailer - http://www.imdb.com/video/screenplay/vi532021529/

Barack!!

Barack Obama will be the next president of the United States. It's a privelege to be blogging about it a day after history has been made. The whole world is celebrating (except for Texas).

So who's vote put Obama in office. In 2000 it was the white evangelicals that gave Bush the White House. In 2004 it was the Hispanics that put him over John Kerry.
Yesterday, virtually every group showed up for Obama. Hispanics, who account for 15% of the elecotorate, came out 66% in favor for Obama. In Florida, with a strong Cuban community, went 57% for Obama. He drew votes from more than one-half of women voters, and no need to even measure the percentage of black votes.


The only group that tended to side with McCain was white men and old people. My black friends are quick to label them racists, but I have to give them the benefit of the doubt. Not voting for Obama does not make you a racist. Maybe.

So what does this mean for black people? Will they reenergize their hope and strive for better things? Will they soon return to asking for handouts and blaming other people for their failures? That part we have to wait and see.


Barack needs to pull the country together and keep moving forward. It's time to transfer the soaring rhetoric into actionable policy. If he can sucessfully bring the country together to tackle the issues we all care about (read: economy), then he might not get all the blame if things don't work out as planned.

I'm afraid of the Lefties running the Congress. Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi and their cronies may actually give Obama more problems then solutions. The republicans' vitriolic rage will be aimed at Congress. When Congress messes up, they will then tie it to the Obama administration.

Wall Street's scared now, but they get over it. I swear, they're the biggest bunch of whining babies in the country. As sson as he selects Warren Buffett as his Treasury Secretary, they'll calm down.

I didn't think Obama could do it. I held off on supporting because I didn't want to get heart broken. I think most people did too. He better go to Iowa and thank them over and over. He would not be in office right now if it weren't for them. This whole thing started at that primary.


He ran a great campaign and deserves the win. Congratulations, sir.

Stories
Latino vote
Exit polling
Jack Welch: Obama Style Leadership

(photos from Yahoo! News)

What the hell is going on in Nebraska. Under a new "safe haven" law that took effect in July, parents may dump their annoying kids off at any local hospital without legal retribution. story from AP

Twenty-two brats have been dropped off so far. The state legislature is considering revamping the kooky law to limit abandonment to children that are 3 days old.

Wow, those kids are going to be messed up for life. There is no better path to porn for a girl than daddy issues. How much worse is it going to be when your dad literally kicked your ass to the curb as soon as the state said he wouldn't go to jail for it?

The abandoned boys will be robbing people within a few years. The girls will be on the stripper pole in no time flat.

Nebraska needs to change the law right away before more future juvenile delinquents are dropped off at the local ER.

But the worst part of the story is the fact that such a law would have to be corrected. What the hell is wrong with parents that they need the threat of jail time to not abandon their kids? Are we Americans that messed up?

For those who whine that government shouldn't legislate parenting, please explain what you would have the state do in this case. They have been put in the position to threaten parents with jail time in order ensure that kids have a home. Welcome to the 21st century. story

Up the Mountain

West Virginia is still one of the most exciting college football programs in the NCAA.

They're battling the Auburn Tigers (what's been up with them lately?) now on ESPN. They should win as they're up by ten with 6 minutes left. Pat White and the speedy backs are lighting up the Auburn defense. Why aren't they in the top ten?

They started off ranked number 8 in the country. The loss to East Carolina dropped them big (24-3). And then they lost to Colorado in overtime, effectively taking them out of the top 25.

Anyone who thinks West Virginia's a push over since they don't have a ranking next to their name will be sadly mistaken when they underestimate them. They can still win their conference and make it to a bowl game. I like them. I want them to win. They're better than Pittsburgh and can end up taking the Big East championship. Go Mountaineers.